Firstly I have to say, thank you so much for the comments and emails I received on my last post. It's always a little scary and intimidating to put that kind of stuff out into the world, but your words have meant a lot to me, so thank you. xox I think perhaps one upside of this type of thing (apart from inadvertently losing three kilos in a week?!) is that you do discover how much people care, both out there in "blog land" and also in real life. My friends have been great and even my boss left me the kindest voicemail yesterday, which caused me to instantly burst into tears when I listened to it. My family is lovely as ever though to be honest I'm not sure they quite know how to handle it, but that's ok. They are there for me and that is the main thing.
So my psychologist/counsellor has given me the week off work; a type of inability-to-cope-with-life-right-now leave, I suppose, on the condition that I get out of the apartment at least once per day (I'm not giving you a certificate if you're just going to wallow in bed, she said). It has been a huge relief but I will say that the days are bloody long (um, it's only Tuesday morning here). I did pretty well yesterday - drove out to Tamarama beach (for a weird sentimental reason which was a bad move, probably) to sit in the sun for awhile with my self-help book (hah!), journal and coffee (is it weird to sit on the beach with a coffee?). Oddly for a Sydneysider (what with the beaches and all), I realised that I do not actually own a beach towel (how?), and so had to make-do with a picnic blanket, which made me feel really self-conscious until I realised honestly, nobody cares about you and your bloody picnic blanket, as if they are all sitting around saying "look at that fool with her picnic blanket", get over yourself!
Anyway, apart from the self-consciousness and sentimentality, the whole experience was actually pretty therapeutic while it lasted. It was a perfect Spring day, and the sun was hot on my skin. I dug my feet into the sand to feel the coolness underneath and watched the surfers catching waves before tumbling off their boards and disappearing into the water. And I love those moments when all the waves happen to be building at the same time, so everything is quiet before they simultaneously crash onto the shore.
After sitting around for awhile, I did the coastal walk over to Bondi beach and back. It's kind of weird, though, how you can be surrounded by people but still feel really isolated and alone. On the drive home, the all too-familiar heaviness started working its way back into my chest and that is where it has stayed. And now it is 11am on Tuesday morning and I am still in my pyjamas, trying to talk myself into going somewhere by way of distraction from my thoughts.
Far out. How can you feel numb and awful at the same time? I will say, though, that one of the books I am reading has been excellent (am highlighting it like mad) - Sophie Scott's Road Testing Happiness: How to be Happier (No Matter What). It's really very readable, relatable, and practical, which is exactly what I was after, so that is at least something (positive thoughts). Perhaps I should get dressed and take my self-help book out to a cafe? :)
PS. Thanks for reading if you have gotten this far. I just realised this is a kind of nothing post. Here are some photos I took on my iPhone yesterday (am still too unmotivated to get the real camera out).